Meditating About Menopause


So, you think you are bat shit crazy now? Oh Honey, just wait. Menopause is coming, maybe not soon, but when it does, you will meet head-on with a whole new level of cra-cra-crazy. The trick is how to make this change work in your favor.


The bad news is that you can’t look back on menopause after it is over and have a re-do. So LISTEN UP and hear what I wish I could re-do and what I managed to do right.


Point # 1 is to embrace the simple truth. It isn’t you acting like a freaking bitch and losing control. It’s your hormones carrying out a full-blown attack on your body and your mind and trying to take over everything from your relationships to your waistline. Those little chemicals that used to be your friends turn on you with the full force of Mother Nature herself. Until you begin to take charge of the dreaded “change of life,” you will be stunned at the things you hear rolling out of your mouth and the absolute, terrible, torrential flood of emotions that run though you like a freight train.


What will hit you next is “OMG, what happened to my V-jay-jay?” That sloppy fluid-soaked channel of joy just took a vacay in the Sahara Desert! Never fear; it is a natural part of the process. A pH-balanced slippery vag moisturizer will become your new best friend. Try Gynactil which is distributed nationwide exclusively from Galveston.


Then, to my absolute horror, the source of my pride and ego, my hourglass shape, did WHAT? It melted and all the good parts drifted to lumps and bulged where I never expected to have them. If you ever thought that you didn’t have time for exercise, get over it and find the time. Your body will need it like never before, and so will your mind. Believe me, stress will become a word you use about a thousand times more than usual, and exercise helps with balancing the hormones that are causing it. Hit the gym for strength training or elliptical and treadmill time. Walking, biking or swimming can get the job done too. Or get your Zumba on. Dancing is fantastic, as it combines exercise with spirit-lifting music. Make exercising your “me” time because after 50 years of putting up with everyone else’s crap, you certainly deserve it. In the midst of menopause you will likely be telling everyone just how much you deserve it! Bite your tongue, go easy on all the other people in the world and put on some salsa sounds. And yoga, oh yes, yoga! It somehow seems to put hot flashes and fatigue in reverse. The irritability you will be blaming on everyone else but is really your hormones, well it really responds to yoga. It’s peace, balance, harmony, and all that good shit. Yoga works.


Next on the list, run, don’t walk, to the nearest health food store for the natural stuff to balance out your body and spirit. I highly recommend staying away from drugs, at least until after you have tried every natural remedy possible. Drugs can cause you to exchange your new set of problems for a different set of problems. There are supplements to help you feel like you again, put you back in charge of your own attitude and restore your personality to that wonderous state you spent years perfecting. Read up on black cohost, non-GMO phytoestrogen, evening primrose, Mexican yam, and more. The one that did it for me was a Chinese herb called Dong Quai.


All those things you hear about hot flashes, night sweats, aches, bloating, tension, and ranting out-bursts can be helped with a few smart changes that allow you to metamorphosis into the wise, posed, sexy older woman who college boys dream about and older guys lust for. So, face the new slightly-rounder, grayer, older you. Over the course of your life, you have learned so much and now is time to learn something new. Know that what is happening to you is not you going f’g nuts or turning into your family’s worst nightmare. Menopause is natural and, with the help of healthy eating, your favorite form of exercise, quality supplements, and a positive spiritual attitude, you can toss your tampons and birth control and live more happily than ever.


I did, I am.

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