The inner, reflective work of 10+ years had culminated to this day when 5.5 grams lay before me, my third mushroom experience and by far, the largest quantity. For the past three years the mushrooms had been calling. I had passed on a few opportunities, set and setting are of utmost importance. It all came together organically and to my surprise, this was the day. When they kicked in, I remember saying to my trip sitter, “Oh shit, I took way too much”. A wave of fear washed over me as the bottom dropped out of my reality, I closed my eyes, and I was one with the cosmos. I was free.
It’s quiet out there, sacred. No smell, touch, taste, no time, only sight and a low distant hum that’s felt within. My lives, past and future, were all with in my grasp but there didn’t seem to be any reason to revisit nor gain any advantage into the future. It all seemed irrelevant, inconsequential but I knew it was there. All the lessons were already within me, anything else was merely semantics. It was beautiful. There is an inexplicable feeling of weightlessness, letting go the ego. As you take the leap into the infinite, you realize it is a feather bed.
Words don’t work anymore. The experience transcends the ability to express within the limitations and inadequacies of language. It can only be felt first person, much like a dream, where meaning and significance are built upon a lifetime of interpersonal understandings. I was one with everything and it took some time to get used to. There were no signposts, nothing to gauge my position. There was no bias to quantify my existence, I was adrift but not lost. There was no place I needed to be, I was present.
It’s been called the void of infinite potential. A resting place, the base code from where all things stem. The actuality of the idea that you can do, you can be, you can have anything you want. To include happiness.
At about the 6 hour mark, of the 9 hour episode, I realized that I had forgotten my one intention: to surrender. It had all kicked in with such unexpected intensity and surprise, I was remiss. Psilocybin is akin to serotonin, the feel-good chemicals in the body. After this realization, the euphoria kicked in and I became hyperaware of how good life can feel. This was when the healing began.
I had lived 49 years and had never felt such beauty. To surrender to the vulnerability of life is indelible power, for all the right reasons. I methodically recounted all of the debilitating moments in my life that were keeping me from my authentic self. I healed a lifetime of needless suffering with the understanding that I am at my best, for me and the one’s I love, when letting go the chains of regret. I was reborn, as the phoenix, ascending from the ash of a former life.
I eventually fell asleep, grateful and reverent. I had undergone the most significant experience of my life, this cannot be overstated. Three years later, where I am now, is nothing short of a blissful existence. The ups and downs of life have been rubbed smooth. The hero’s journey complete, what I had sought was re-discovered within. A celebration of all life’s challenges and serenities. Along with the expansive power of forgiveness.
It is impossible to give away that which one does not already possess. The mushroom’s greatest gift to me was the path of self-forgiveness. By forgiving myself, I am now and forever able to forgive all wrong doings past, present, or future. The magnitude of gratitude I now feel is beyond expression. I am a better father, son, friend, and human all due to the healing power of self-love.
Such is a worthy endeavor for any soul seeker. My quest being aided by 5.5 grams of nature’s bounty along with the conscious intention of self-discovery and self-healing. I am at a place I wish for everyone, however gained or attained. Spoiler alert, it’s already within you so find your placebo and take the pill. You’re worth it, always have been, and always will. We are all so much more powerful than we can imagine. Unleash your greatness, release your beauty. We will all benefit, we will all collectively heal. We are all one.